A Sense of Entitlement

By
David Aronsohn, Psy.D.
Doctor of Psychology
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

At this time of peace on Earth and good will towards mankind, there is a tendency to reflect on the blessings in our lives. As parents we are naturally curious about what makes our children smile and on the other hand, what keeps them from maturing to their highest potential. Though we live in a world with endless opportunities, remarkable technology and possibilities, we as a society have demonstrated a steady decline in how we treat each other.

Many people are impatient, stressed, impulsive, angry, rude and aggressive. All too often these emotions are at the expense of common courtesy and can easily escalate to verbal barrages and at times, physical confrontations. Once they have distortedly been raised to this emotionally charged level, reactions are extreme, over exaggerated and selfish; without the compassion, empathy, or care for how that personal action may have consequences, or affect others, especially our children. In this vain, we run the risk of teaching our children “any means to an end” at the expense of teaching them humanity, about self-respect and respecting others. This leads to an emotional cancer that permeates our world and imbeds itself in the psyche of our children: the sense of entitlement.

Though there may be some debate over when and where this condition began to take hold, it seems reasonable to examine some previous generations. In the 1960’s there was a popular movement in interpersonal communication, which focused on asserting needs. The movement grew out of generations of repressed individuals and groups who finally gave themselves permission to express their inner thoughts and feelings. The goal was to take passive and/or aggressive people and teach them tools to become assertive without stepping on the rights of others, or denying their own rights and feelings in the process.

For those with relatively high levels of self-esteem, these tools proved to be invaluable in enhancing, or setting limits on personal and work relationships. However, this was also the time of growing personal righteousness and indignation. Many people felt that being aggressive was far more expedient and effective in dealing with people and problematic situations. Eventually this philosophy of the sixties mutated through the eighties “Me generation” and evolved in to today’s sense of entitlement.

Entitlement is an equal opportunity destroyer, affecting all levels of the social strata. However, it may be more prevalent in the affluent and poor levels of society. At these polarized extremes, entitlement is either justified to make up for a perceived lack of opportunity and repressed environment, or it results from an affluent mindset where there can be a perception that financial or social standing provides, or “entitles” one to act in any manner with minimal consideration, or regard for others. Aside from social influences, poor self-esteem is a great predicator and precursor for entitled behavior, as well as those people who retaliate for their life circumstances through anger, or justify for their behavior no matter how it impacts others. Though entitlement is not necessarily an indicator for a diagnosisable condition, it is usually consistent with behaviors that be can be associated with psychiatric conditions such as mood and personality disorders This is especially prevalent with antisocial, Narcisstic, or borderline clients who demonstrate minimal empathy, regard for rules, or adherence to social and moral norms. Many of these people can also have a tendency to either see life as a series of things that happen to them and are perpetual victims in life whereby entitlement is perceived to be the way to get even, or regain power. Others mirror sociopathic traits by lacking empathy, having a reckless disregard for social and moral consequences.

Entitled behaviors have little to do with being assertive. It is behavior driven by people who lack self-esteem, who fail to care, or understand there are consequences for actions. For children some entitled behaviors are a part of normal development. It is a natural progression for a young child to believe that the world revolves around their needs. As they mature, they begin to understand the concepts of community and sharing. However, children who are not given limits, direction and appropriate modeling and parenting, do not gain a repertoire of effective strategies to deal with the hurdles and stress they will face in their life.

They learn to tantrum, react and retaliate rather than incorporate the ability to deal with frustration, strategize about their situation, or understand that there are limits to their behavior, or entitled demands. Consequently they do not develop the necessary coping strategies to accommodate their environment and they continue to act in a selfish, impulsive and aggressive manner without ever gaining the capacity for empathy, or compassion for others. Those children who do not master these lessons and their emotions are doomed to remain emotionally stagnated with the understanding and expectations of the emotionally young child. The obvious problem is that they may eventually be chronologically mature, but will remain emotionally children in a world that demands the finesse, competence and emotions of emotional maturity.

A sense of entitlement is difficult to combat once it has been incorporated as part of a personality structure. People with life patterns of entitlement are not usually motivated to get help until some life-changing event occurs. This can be from life changing events such as a divorce, court intervention for criminal, or driving under the influence charges, a history of job firings, or significant financial consequences that result from impulsive, arrogant and entitled actions. However, there is a path to combat entitlement. As parents it is necessary to focus on personal responsibility, integrity, empathy and consequences for entitled behaviors. As for preventing entitlement in our children, we as parents have to take the responsibility and exert the effort to parent with all the guidance, love, limit setting, modeling, teaching, hugs and kisses that goes with the responsibility and gift of having children.

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Your questions and comments are welcome via e-mail or by letter at Creative Child Magazine at 2505 Anthem Village Drive. #E619, Henderson, NV 89052. David Aronsohn maintains a private and corporate consultation practice out of Westlake Village, CA. 818/735-0428
Disclaimer-The advice is this article is not meant to act as professional advice, or counseling for your particular set of circumstances. It is designed for general knowledge. It is recommended that if you feel you need individual assistance for you or your family, you seek the advice and intervention of a licensed professional that can provide help for your particular set of circumstances.