A Battle of Wills

By the age of four, creative children develop numerous ways to skirt both rules and punishment. This can make them very difficult to discipline. Take the case of Audrey. She is seven. Or, as her mother says, “seven going on seventeen.” Audrey’s behavior is exemplary, at least in front of adults. Rarely does she ever get caught in the act of doing anything wrong — she’s way too smart for that. Her knowledge of the rules and how to skirt them grows every day.

At present she is refining these skills by practicing the following nine Discipline Busting Techniques. Where she learned them is not known. It is, however, certain that she is doing a very good job of driving her parents crazy. Here are the discipline — escaping strategies that she and many of her creative peers practice daily.

Slight of Hand (and Tongue) — Audrey is getting very very good at executing her misdeeds without adult detection. She is getting so good that she can even do some things in the same room with her parents, just outside of their peripheral vision. Yesterday, she managed to get her brother’s cookies away from him, pinch him and stick her tongue out at him, all without being seen — and all while her mother was just five and a half feet away talking to the neighbor.

Lying — I don’t want to give you the impression that little Audrey is a liar. She is not. But, she is sure getting good at it. When her brother tattled on her for stealing his cookies, flicking her tongue out at him and all but bruising him with the pinch, she denied everything. She used her favorite lines, “I didn’t do it Momma. Honest.” When her mother asked if she was sure, Audrey replied, “Yes Momma. I’m sure. Bradley is just trying to get me into trouble again.” Only five, Audrey has used these lines six hundred and thirty-seven times.

Blame — Later in the day Bradley, age six, tattled on Audrey for breaking a perfume bottle on the bathroom floor. She had been told numerous times not to play with her mother’s perfume, so she knew this could be big trouble.

Before her mother made it upstairs to the bathroom to investigate, Audrey firmed up her story. When her mother confronted her, she ran her version of what happened up the proverbial flagpole: “Bradley did it, Momma. I saw him. I told him to put the perfume back but he dropped it. I think he did it on purpose, Momma, just to try and get me in trouble like he did this morning. But don’t be mad at him, Momma. He said he was sorry.” Score one more for Audrey.

Justification — Late in the afternoon, Audrey slipped up. She kicked Bradley’s block house over just as her Dad was walking in the room. She was caught in the act, so she needed a quick way to avert almost certain punishment. Thinking on her feet, Audrey blurted out, “Bradley has been trying to get me into trouble all day, Daddy. Just ask Momma. Besides, he just threw my doll across the room. Make him stop, Daddy!” As Daddy admonished Bradley to leave his sister alone and turned to leave the room, Audrey swayed her hips back and forth and lipped the words, “Nanna, BooBoo” at her brother.

Arguing — At supper Audrey kicks Bradley under the table. He squeals that Audrey is kicking him. Dad warns them both to be good or no one will get the chocolate pudding dessert. It takes Audrey kicking Bradley three times and him squealing three times before Dad loses his patience and says, “All right, that’s it! No dessert for the two of you!” Ready with her legal strategy, Audrey immediately cries, “But that’s not fair! You always give us five warnings. You only gave us four.” Dad, wanting to be fair, responds with, “I guess you’re right Audrey. You know, you’d make a great lawyer when you grow up.”

Divide and Conquer — After supper, Audrey’s mother asks her to go pick up her toys. She stamps her foot and shouts, “No, you do it. I’m not the maid!” Infuriated, Mom reacts with, “Audrey, you get in here this instant or I’m going to paddle your butt!” Not to be outdone, Audrey runs screaming onto her Dad’s lap in the living room whimpering, “Save me, Daddy, save me, Daddy! Momma’s going to beat me!” Dad, being his daughter’s champion, responds with, “There, there, Audrey. Calm down. No one is going to hurt you. Why don’t you go get a book and I’ll read you a story.” By the time Mom gets into the living room, Dad’s reading a story to both Audrey and Bradley. Who could interrupt such a nice family event? Score another for Audrey.

Bargaining — While watching television Audrey just can’t help herself. She spies Bradley on the other side of the room reading a book, nice and peaceful. She can’t stand it and goes over and stands by him. When she is sure her parents aren’t watching, she whacks him on the side of the head.

Her Dad hollers, “I saw that, Audrey. I saw you in the mirror. Just for that you can go to bed early tonight. No Bart Simpson for you. Now get going, right now!”

Audrey had been backed in this corner before, but not to worry. She is ready with her bargaining strategy. “But Daddy, I won’t do it again. I promise to be good. I’ll even tell Bradley I’m sorry. How about that, Daddy? Do you want me to say ‘I’m sorry?’ I’m sorry, Bradley. I promise I won’t ever do it again. Promise! Cross my heart and hope to die!” Making a mental note to check the angles of vision in the mirror tomorrow, Audrey hops in her Daddy’s lap. Snuggling up to him, she says, “I’m sorry, Daddy. I won’t do it again. Okay?”

By this time of day, it is hard to tell just how many points Audrey has scored in her game of skirting rules and consequences. It is clear, however, that everyone else in the game has a score of zero. When it’s time for bed, Audrey thinks, “Gee, I didn’t practice Repetitive Whining and Sympathy Mastery today. Better start off with them tomorrow.”

If you have a highly creative child, you may be well aware of the Discipline Busting Techniques your child uses. To get one step ahead, look for patterns. Bright children will usually get really good at using several of the strategies. Just by recognizing them you will be better preparedto respond more effectively.

With creative children it is also quite helpful to make a written list of the rules and the consequences for breaking them. The consequences should be the removal of privileges for short periods of time. For children under eight, lost privileges should be given back the next morning. Children nine and over respond best if privileges aren’t taken away for more than a week.

Make it clear how many warnings you will give and do not bargain when it comes time for consequences. If you are uncertain as to who did what, remember, you are not Judge Judy. You are a parent. You do not need proof. Use your best judgement and act accordingly.
For the sake of your own sanity, let your children know two other things. One, in your house the parents always stand together. Two, there is a secret phrase that causes your brain to shut down and your body to walk away. The phrase? “That’s unfair!”

Larry Koenig, Ph.D. is the author of Smart Discipline and Happily Married for a Lifetime. He is also president of The North American Society for Parent Training and Development. His books and tapes are available on his website, smartdiscipline.com or by calling 1-800-255-3008.

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