NURTURING CREATIVITY

And The Winner Is...
By David Aronsohn Psy.D.
Doctor of Psychology
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

      Chris and Sherry have always been proud parents. Their eight-year-old son, Trevor, recently received trophies for outstanding performances in baseball, football and karate. His father is quick to pronounce that sports builds strong character and helps prepare his son for the challenges and competitive nature of our society. He likes that Trevor strives to win. In fact, Trevor does not have a problem with winning. His problem is with losing. Any time his team has lost, or his individual performance has been less than expected, he becomes self-deprecating, blameful and flies off into over exaggerated tirades. These tantrums wreak havoc on his teammates and have resulted in a series of verbal outbursts from other parents, who feel that Chris and Sherry had to get a handle on their son's behavior. His inability to be less than perfect had spilled over into his school, where Trevor had difficulty if he answered a question incorrectly, received anything less than a perfect score on a test, or was not the center of attention in his class.
      It was discovered that Trevor was fearful of his father's overzealous and unrealistic expectations for his son. At first, when Trevor did not meet his father's expectations, Chris would clearly show his dissatisfaction with Trevor by putting him down or withholding time with his friends, television, or playtime. Aside from the punishment, Trevor began to feel that his father's love was conditional. Trevor's outbursts were his only way of dealing with his internal anxiety and stress. He also found that if he became upset at his own performance his parents were more likely to attempt to calm him down and reassure him as to what a wonderful boy he was and not focus on his performance.
      It has become more commonplace for parents to be unable to handle their own emotions and expectations. Some organized sports have required parents to go through anger management classes before they can attend events. Other leagues have required the parents to sit in silence throughout the entire game and only at the conclusion are allowed to give a unanimous and non-directed show of support for both teams. These actions are in response to the rise of incidents in which parents resort to violence to handle their frustrations with opposing players and even coaches who do not have a child in the game the amount of time that is expected by the parent. 
      Family dynamics, unrealistic expectations and parents who live vicariously through the actions of their children can easily turn competitive childhood sports into negative and unhappy experiences with long term impact, leaving the children unprepared as they enter adulthood. Competition can be an essential ingredient for developing self-esteem by building a level of competence, a feeling of self-worth and an ability to be part of a group. Through healthy play, children learn empathy, compassion and the ability to establish and achieve goals. There is also a tendency for us as parents to see competition specific to sports and play between friends and siblings. However, competition also plays a significant role in how our children perceive themselves and succeed in school and at work.
      Some years back, a school system banned the grading system for its children in fear that they were becoming too competitive. Instead, each child was given a narrative assessment at the end of each semester. Upon review, these assessments blended together and reflected the positive, though generic, accolades for the child. Any deficits were couched in positive terms and were purposefully non-direct. Research eventually demonstrated that this approach was an utter and complete failure. The children did not feel any personal identity or pride in having clear and established goals and rules to their performance. Though there was fear that children are driven to receiving grades rather than learning and incorporating the material, for most, the grades were a reflection of the achievement they had earned. The grades helped them set goals and strategies to achieve those goals. When they did well, they had pride and a sense of accomplishment. Healthy children who did not meet their goal became more competitive and challenged themselves to become more dedicated to their cause.
      The responsibility falls to parents to instill and oversee a healthy amount of competition, while at the same time weighing the disposition and emotional development of the child. It is also important to take into account the limits of their child's abilities. Signs that children are becoming too competitive are when they get easily frustrated, angry with others, depressed when they are less than perfect, or poor self-esteem. Finally, the most reasonable approach is for us as parents to keep our egos in-check, be realistic about our expectations and understand that competition helps in the development of our children and does not define them.

Your questions and comments are welcome via e-mail at creativechildmagazine.com or by letter at Creative Child Magazine at 2505 Anthem Village Drive. #E619, Henderson, NV 89052. David Aronsohn maintains a private and corporate consultation practice out of Westlake Village, CA. 818/735-0428
Disclaimer-The advice is this article is not meant to act as professional advice, or counseling for your particular set of circumstances. It is designed for general knowledge. It is recommended that if you feel you need individual assistance for you or your family, you seek the advice and intervention of a licensed professional that can provide help for your particular set of circumstances.